Lessons 4 Life

Am I a slacktivist? Matt Petronzio asked us all to think about this in his most recent article posted on Mashable. So, I took an inventory of the ways I have helped or hurt the earth, my home, and my own body as well this year. Here goes.

I have switched most of my more environment unfriendly cleaning products for plant based cleaners, bought a front load washing machine, only dry my clothes for a few minutes on warm and then hang them. Hey it also cuts down on ironing dramatically and I’m all for that! I bought and use reusable grocery bags and found I like them because they hold more so I make less trips to my trunk to carry it all in. Recently I’ve engaged in volunteer work for a non-profit called Deserving Décor who transforms homeless shelters and transitional housing apartments into homes, real homes. They reuse donated furniture and household goods to provide all the niceties that most of us use and take for granted daily. This saves landfill space and makes these folks moving into their own place incredibly happy!

For the sake of my body, I’ve been reading and talking to a lot more people about eating local organic produce and am noting who uses sustainable farming practices. One could turn into a total hypochondriac if you read too much about what we have actually been eating over the years. I sort of expect to glow in the dark and never decompose when I think about all the “convenience” foods fed to us during my infant years (1960’s). I will not discuss Pink Slime. Yikes! The major changes I’ve made over the last few years are eating only organic leafy greens and anything else with an edible skin. I follow the suggestions of the article about the “Dirty Dozen” foods with the most and worst pesticides, and check out the site www.whatsonmyfood.org. Go ahead and take a look for yourself. Enlightenment can lead to better health. The way I see it economically is, the more the consumer demands better quality foods with less pesticides and healthier growing practices, the supply will need to increase, and the costs will come down. I’ve already seen it happening in my local market. Sometimes the price point is prohibitive, but the benefit is priceless. Or…just skip it that week and buy more of what is in season. Exercise outdoors is popping up more in my schedule and I took an 18-mile bike ride with my husband this weekend. Riding leisurely through the surrounding area makes me appreciate it all the more. That appreciation can only spillover to wanting the beautiful surroundings and wildlife to be protected and cared for.

Take your own inventory. Share it with me. Happy Earth Day everyday.

Don’t quit before you’ve even begun! Why is it so easy for some to quit, and without a second of reflection? I grew up in an age when your parents and grandparents would always toss clichés at you. For example, “A quitter never wins and a winner never quits”, or, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, and my daughter’s favorite, “Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those doing it” ~ Chinese proverb. She found and took ownership of that one herself.

 So what have I seen far too often? I’ve seen children in elementary school in fourth, fifth, and sixth grade come across a minor and temporary academic obstacle (their view; I call it a challenge), and stop dead in their tracks as if they just reached the Great Wall. The next thing audible, “I don’t get it”. My response was usually, “I don’t get what you don’t get”. Think…think…think…give me something to work with.

 Quitting weakens your character and undermines your own self-confidence. Ask your grandparents, if you’re lucky enough to still have them around, what their thoughts are about quitting. Ask when in their life they chose not to quit something that was really hard, and what the reward was. I’ll bet you’ll learn a lot more than you thought you would.

 Here are a few suggestions. Ask what it is you think (key word) you are being asked (to do)? Next, try something, anything that even remotely makes some sense. Why? Because trying will reveal one of two things. Either it will show you one way that will not work, or it will offer a tiny hint of direction to try (key word) next. Continue to repeat this step over and over again until you either know a lot about what won’t work or you come up with a new idea, strategy, or direction. But most certainly, don’t quit!

I think this battle is fought in the home, the classroom, and at sports practice. Here are some points (pun intended) to think about.

How many times does a player practice making a basket, goal, or fly ball catch? Brain memory or cognitive skill, is much like muscle memory. Repeat the path over and over again, and it sticks.

When you miss the shot, goal, touchdown etc. what happens? The coach sits the team down, you watch films, or review plays, and everyone goes over the steps that either led to the failure, or the success. Why did we (the team) miss, or what went right in order for the play to be the success it was (so that we can do it again)?

What happens when you get a C or worse on a test? Is it tossed aside crumpled up, hidden? What good is that? If you never review what you got wrong then what have you learned? Nothing. It would feel much better if the errors were picked out of the trash, revisited, and learning took place. Then it would no longer be something you don’t understand or know. Now if you didn’t study to begin with, that’s a different story. That’s like showing up for a game not knowing any of the plays, with no plan, and having put in no practice time. What do you expect? Failing grades usually means you are off the team.

Most middle and high school teachers offer tutorial or extra help hours. Elementary schools have lists of tutors available. I believe National Honor Society members must earn hours as peer tutors for free. Take advantage of all help available or seek professional tutoring if it’s affordable to your budget. Trying to build an education on a less than secure foundation is like building in the sand.

What exactly is forgiveness? What does it mean to forgive? Well, I can only share what I’ve learned, and how it worked for me.

First, I’ll share what I’ve learned forgiveness is NOT. It isn’t saying that the wrong that was done to you was OK. It also does not mean, “forgive and forget”. It’s not humanly possible to forget something that had a profoundly negative affect on you without a lobotomy. Forgiveness is actually acknowledgement of the hurt and then choosing to let go of that pain to the best of your ability at the time. This ability grows with time, but does take some conscious work on your part, just like holding a grudge takes work. Oh, yes it does.

When you hold a grudge, you continue to rehash the “wrong”, the pain, the anger etc. and all of the justifications for your feelings of resentment. Where you don’t want to go in  your head or your heart is to: begrudge. By definition, it means you resent and envy the good fortune or pleasure of the other person. That kind of thinking is like poisoning yourself. The offender has NO IDEA what your thoughts or feelings are. So, that negativity just eats away at your soul. Not a good idea if your real goal is to heal, move on, and recover. Is it your goal to heal? You need to decide.

Recovery is a better goal for you. To recover your own strength, positive outlook, health- both mental and physical, is the prize. Regaining your composure, your ability to smile and laugh, and to feel good about yourself needs to be in the forefront of your mind, not revenge, regret, or resentment. Those all lead to nowhere but loneliness. No one wants to be near you in that dark place. Friends will support your healing time, to which we are all entitled and need in order to rebound, but…but…eventually you need to shift your focus on being recovered, healthy, and moving on with your life, seeking a new beginning. That’s positive and productive. With that attitude you will attract many supporters, friends, and opportunities. What you put out into the world is what comes back to you, so be careful what you are exuding. Put on your smile, and not your, “I’ve been wounded” face. Help someone else. That’s great therapy.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to smile at your offender and have lunch. It is perfectly reasonable and wise to maintain a boundary so that you are not letting that person hurt you again, be it your ex, or parent, or friend. What forgiveness means is that you no longer fuel the bad feelings you had (notice the use of the word had), and you let it go. It’s a gift you give to yourself! Drop the burden! You’ve chosen life, sunshine, a positive attitude, and are the better for it. You need not even tell your offender. You just do it for you!

It’s a choice, and the choice is yours to make.

In today’s classroom environment, parents of the “good kids” need to SHOUT OUT! Your kids are losing big time. But, please talk to your principal or administration; your teacher has his/her hands full.

I recently quit my teaching job after eight years, having taught several different grades (all elementary). Here are a few observations and experiences I want to share, so that you can get a sense for why I felt compelled to write this.  Years ago, parents of students who were very disruptive in the classroom would get a phone call home from the teacher, and that would be that. Parents back then assumed that the teacher had done his/her best to get little “Johnny” (name does not connect to any of my former students) to cooperate, participate, and work to his best ability. “Johnny” was in big trouble. Parents did their job, supporting the teacher’s efforts by imposing consequences at home, and the problem was eliminated. 

In today’s overly indulgent classroom environment, “Johnny” gets a behavior chart personalized to his/her needs, with built in “buy in” rewards when he behaves the way he is expected to. There is a point system, review, signatures, and it all began with meetings of a school level “support team”. Why does administration support this, and enable this poor behavior to continue? Guess what? All of that is at the expense of the students who do know how they should behave, are motivated to learn, and whose parents hold high expectations of their kids. Their parents ask the teacher, “How can I help you and support what you are doing?” These are the parents who know school is supposed to hold priority over soccer, dance class or whatever other activity their son/daughter enjoys. They are the parents who take away sports if their son/daughter is almost failing math. Priorities are in order; children are not overindulged with every whim. They are taught life lessons and school lessons in partnership with their child’s teacher. They have a set bedtime, and are not allowed to Skype their friends endlessly when they should be memorizing multiplication facts.

Your well-behaved child is losing out. Your child’s teacher is stressed out beyond belief by meetings and emails, principal criticism, and the assumption that it is somehow a failing on the part of your child’s teacher that “Johnny” is not behaving and meeting learning standards. I am not talking about normal, average classroom management here, or the children who have proper professional diagnosis and receive medical treatment for behavior issues. I am talking about those kids whose parents are simply not “on board” and whose child, year after year, causes disruption to the learning of others and who refuse to accept responsibility for their child’s behavior. When is enough, enough? 

I have a question. When did “Johnny’s” needs trump those of the other 20+ kids in the class? When did administration lost rigidity in their spine? Was it when “Johnny’s” mom was elected to the PTO? Equal education opportunity for all should mean that the good kids get the same amount of the teacher’s attention and time. Really? How is that possible when the teacher is doing battle for control of the class and has to remove a student to eliminate the “audience” he/she is performing for? When he/she is emailing the parent and designing the behavior modification plan and getting it approved, and then giving “Johnny” more of his/her personal time because he hasn’t paid any attention and has no idea what is going on in class, that’s all time your well behaved child is NOT getting. Do the math; the same numbers of minutes exist in each day.

I took the “tough love” route with my own kids and was told, “I hate you”, on a number of occasions. I took that as confirmation that I was doing my job as a parent. See, I believe my job was not to be my kids’ best friend. It was to set boundaries, model appropriate behavior, know their friends, and check their homework for quality and completion. I supported all of their efforts and interests and volunteered in the publishing center, PTO, and safety board. I did what I could to support their teachers. And, if I had a question, I asked it giving benefit of doubt to the TEACHER first. Surprise! Both of my young adult children are employed, living on their own (paying their own expenses), and are making things happen for themselves. They are well liked and respected by their friends, colleagues, employers, and me! They call home, and recently stood up for me as I got remarried. I am so proud of them. They are making positive contributions to the world.

When I took the tough love approach with some of my most difficult students and their parents, I got no credit for having straightened “Johnny” out. When he finally started to show signs of “getting it” behaviorally the next year, I was judged the teacher that couldn’t handle him. Really? His file said he was out of control for three years prior to my having him. I lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out how to reach him. My methods worked where others have failed. I fixed it! You’re welcome! I QUIT! I’m sorry you didn’t like it that I didn’t handle his parents with kid gloves. Enough is enough.

Parents open your eyes and ears, and speak up. You are losing good, caring teachers in the field of education, and burning out the ones left.  If your child’s teacher is completely swamped with behavior issues in the classroom, and endless meetings outside the teaching day, when is he/she supposed to focus on your “good kid”? Please don’t complain about the teacher to your principal, ask how the principal is supporting your child’s teacher! What is being done to get the PARENTS of these behavior issues on board? Stop the coddling! Parents look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Is my child one of the disruptive ones?” If behavior issues have been marked on his/her report card for a few years, YOU have work to do. Lay down the law and clearly state your expectations. It’s time for tough love. You are not doing your child any favor, as a matter of fact; you are setting them up for failure in the “real world”. Society is not going to find them amusing, cute, or entertaining. Fix it now before they get to middle school and it’s a much bigger problem.

God bless all teachers, who put up with more crap than you could possibly imagine unless you have taught in a classroom. Your dedication in the face of constant lack of appreciation is awe-inspiring! Do not let the lack of a contract or budget constraints stop you from asking for what you are worth. Don’t let administration bully you or intimidate you with the fear of losing our job. You’re worth more than your paycheck, more than your pension. You have changed lives, encouraged, and instilled respect. Your grandparents would be proud. I was honored and proud to have worked with you. Parents, thank your child’s teacher today and tomorrow, and the next day! Stand up for your teachers at the next school board meeting. They are the ones fighting, sacrificing their own personal time, and working hard for the benefit of your children. Ask administration to take a pay cut or to start the cutting from the top. They are not the ones losing sleep over your child. Let the teacher’s do their job, and show them how important they are! 

We really need to return more to the world our grandparents knew. How so? Well, it was a world where you respected your elders, authority, and you respected yourself. It was a world where you did your best, as in tried your hardest, and tried to look your best when the situation (or your mother) called for it. Your underwear did not hang out from under your clothes, neither top nor bottom. You wouldn’t think of telling a lie or cheating, nor stealing. You wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. And if you did,  privileges would have been removed from your life for a significant amount of time. You would also have been expected to make amends. You know what that means right? It means your parents made you fix it, pay it back out of YOUR allowance, write a heartfelt letter of apology, mow someone’s lawn for free, clean toilets for two weeks…something along those lines. And…and, you would learn a lesson and feel within yourself that the punishment fit the crime, and were actually relieved that all was made right in the world again.

In the world your grandparents knew the butcher knew them by name and saved your grandmother the cut of meat he knew she would want for Sunday dinner, and a bone for the dog. Men took out the trash, opened doors for women, and stood when a woman arrived at or left a dinner table in a restaurant. As a woman, I can tell you that does not make you the weaker sex, it illuminates your femininity. And if it happens to be your husband standing for you in front of other men, well let’s just say Julia Roberts has nothing over you! Your grandparents arrived to school and work on time, and usually work followed school. Sports are great, but a luxury and privilege. The after school job showed responsibility, time management, and work ethic. It builds your resume and may lead to a job after graduation. How many of your friends are on professional sports teams? How many are unemployed? That’s what I thought…

When did kids stop giving up their seats on a bus or train for the elderly? And, why? Can they not see the need? Do they think they deserve the seat equally? You don’t kiddo. You haven’t earned much of anything yet. Where did basic respect and manners go? Manners? Where has teaching them fallen on the priority scale? 

I am really making myself sound ancient writing all this, but I guess I’ve reached the age and lived just about enough of life to pull from numerous observations and experiences both good and bad. 

What good have I seen? I respect teenagers who look me in the eye when introduced to me, smile and reply, “Nice to meet you”. It sure beats them just sitting on the couch with their hat still on and grunting something incoherent in my direction if anything at all. Please and thank you go a very long way. Every once in a while, I will see a young person do the “right thing”. It may be to avoid a silly conflict, or tell a friend to stop acting like an idiot, or to tell someone that no, they shouldn’t do that, simply because it’s wrong. They might have picked up trash that wasn’t theirs, or offered help to someone else if they saw the need. I’ve known some to raise money for cancer awareness and a cure. That’s good, very good.

Those are the kids that will get hired, will be trusted, will make a difference in our seemingly socially disintegrating world. When I see a young person at work, doing their best, I try to always mention my noticing to them in order to encourage them to keep it up. I told the kid cleaning the gym I belong to that if I had a place that needed someone to maintain it, I’d hire him for sure. He worked his tail off polishing and cleaning every nook and corner. And, he did it while no one was watching (except me).

So, parents out there of young people. Instead of trying to be your kids best friend and buddy, ask yourself this. Would someone in the work force want to hire my child over someone else? Are they presentable, polite, honest, hard working? Do they always do their best and are they intrinsically motivated? If you’ve been indulging your child with everything (s)he wants without requiring anything of them, you’ve got a problem, and it’s your job to fix it NOW, PLEASE! Has your child ever had required chores? Do they have to earn anything or are all their wants and needs basically handed to them? Um, what are you teaching them with that kind of treatment? The world is not going to love them the way you do. The world will not make accommodations for their whims and wants. They will have to conform, comply, and prove themselves. That’s reality. In our current economy, if your child is not someone others want to work with because of their great personality and work ethic, then you are going to be supporting that kid for a good long time. Are you already hearing about their poor behavior in elementary school. Wake up! You need tough love action NOW! Apologize to your kid’s teacher and lay down the law with your child immediately. STOP making excuses for him/her, and deal with the facts in front of you. And, if you remember being just like them, for goodness sake, FIX IT NOW! That’s not an excuse, it’s avoidance. Help your child get prepared for the real world! They will thank you later. It’s not too late to learn another one of the Lessons4Life! 

Yesterday, due to the very sad death of a parent of a loved one, I reconnected with several women and men that I knew in High School. Now, I personally hated HS and could not wait to get out. Several of us felt the same and graduated early by doubling up English or whatever. I moved to the west coast, meandered back to NYC (American Academy of Dramatic Arts), then eventually, years later settled in Bucks County, PA. They are still all there on Long Island…

I really have not kept in touch, and I’m not sure how much I will stay in touch even now, but this is the moving observation I made. 

I asked, with true interest in, and commented on the little bit I had heard about each one I said hello to. To my utter astonishment I heard, not complaints, but chronicled blow by blow some of what several of these 50+ year old schoolmates had been through over these many years (30 or more since I’ve seen some of them). Cancer survivors of many types, one I was closer to recounted the tender loving care that her closest friends had selflessly provided when she needed them most. It was through tears of obvious gratitude that she shared. They had been girlfriends since grade school, and had walked a lot of bumpy roads together. Divorce obviously ran rampant through our lives like a thief of joy, and a bearer of serious disappointment.  I too carried that one, and only had one brief, mild cancer scare myself at a young age. One dad had raised four, yes four daughters all by himself, after a messy divorce. I stood in awe. I didn’t know he had it in him, but obviously did, and he looks great - maybe better with no hair! Good for you!! You have earned badges, accolades, and a seat in heaven I am quite sure. He, from the little bit I heard, basically sacrificed his whole life and future, and dedicated himself to his daughters. I pray that they appreciate him and the dad he is.

Through photographs of adorable grandchildren, new boyfriends, aging (though magnificently Claire) parents, and one another, one thing was obvious. The golden thread-of-life was their friendship. The guys there stood to support the sons of the father who passed away, and the women went up to the casket to embrace the girlfriend who had always been  ”daddy’s little girl”, to let her know that she would never be alone, never cry alone, never laugh alone. They were there; they had her back. She would not collapse on their loving watch. They would hold her up if need be.

That is friendship; that is true love; that is what it means to be a person of substance. My hat is off to all of you. I feel honored to have known each of you. No matter your job, income, dress size, or amount of hair on your head (or lack thereof), you are beautiful, and real, and friends. May God bless each of you.

My daughter went to visit her great uncle who has had some very serious health issues recently. He just got moved to a regular room after spending quite a bit of time in ICU. He was frustrated with the hospital TV, so she whipped out her iPad2 and asked him what he wanted to watch. He said, “Gone With the Wind”. So, she pulled it up on her screen and they sat together and watched some. He loved it!!!

She then asked him where in the world he wanted to see, and he said somewhere in Italy, I think Salerno. Next up, Google Earth trip to Salerno. He was amazed and overjoyed to see some beautiful memories I assumed. Technology brought so much joy to the heart of an 80+ year old man tonight.

The fact that it was brought to him by my daughter, makes me a very proud mom. She has the heart of an angel, especially since she said, “He made me happy”.

Young people out there, bring your iPad to see your grandparent in a nursing home or wherever they are, even someone else’s grandparent in a nursing home, and spread the joy. Take them on a “trip” somewhere. Just an idea…

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today, and then I read an entry by a 16 year old girl whose parents are separated and are acting irresponsibly. How? Dad seems to be taking out his anger, disappointment, and resentment toward mom, on his daughter because mom is not there. When mom does come over, they argue, yell, trash each other loud and clearly in front of their daughter. SHAME on you! I don’t care what he/she (your spouse) did. Your daughter should not be put in the middle of your “stuff”.  YOU are the adults. She is at the most vulnerable age imaginable. If you trash your spouse, argue and scream in front of her, you are damaging much of the possibility for her to have a healthy relationship in her future. If you are so selfish as to not care right now because you are hurting so badly…too bad! YOU are still responsible for her and SHE is your number one priority or should be. STOP IT! DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHILD PICK SIDES! YOU, yes YOU may lose. Grow up, act responsibly, and pray to God that you have not done too much damage. If you know you have acted irresponsibly in front of him/her, let them know that you realize this and that you are sorry, and will try to do better starting today. If you cannot communicate in a civil manner in front of your child(ren), then meet at another location or time when they are not witnesses. Do not drag your children into your mess. The damage you do may be irreversible. If your spouse continues, refuse to be a part of it. Trust me that your child will notice, will respect you, and will be healthier for it. So will you be.

Pray a lot, it really helps!

Why are we so quick to criticize, and so slow to compliment or praise? I love the light that goes on in a child’s face when I compliment them on their shoes. It’s so funny to see them look down, think about what is cool about their shoes and then share that back as if I needed it pointed out to me. Have you ever smiled and admired a scarf or brooch on an older woman? I bet there is a story behind each item, and she would simply love to share it with you. I was blessed with a “Nana” who showed me that by her example. Ever told an older gentleman that he was handsome. His chest puffs out and he stands up straighter. He may even have gained five more minutes to his life, just via hope. My little leprechaun looking grandpa Billy inspired that in me.

I believe hope is what it/life is always about. Without it we are truly lost. At this late hour of the day when my defenses are down and I’m tired, I think about both the things I hope and worry about. My heart hopes that I can be the best, most supportive, fun, loving wife to my future husband. I hope that God blesses our upcoming marriage with love, good health, and longevity. We are both over fifty, and having found this wonderful blessing of a man at this age, I feel lucky as well as shortchanged. Lucky because Match.com didn’t connect us, nor eHarmony, but a very dear friend, by chance. Shortchanged because we don’t get to have our own child, or do a lot of firsts together and half our lives have already passed. But, I am truly a glass is half full girl, and I see lots of romance, fun, adventure and new beginnings as well. Things we will create and make happen for us. He is an answer to prayer. A perfect answer.

Hope is what got me to where I am today. I placed that hope, and my trust in God. Why you may ask in God. Because when things in life get too big, way too big for you to handle, and you truly feel like you’re lost and at the end of your rope of hope…that’s where He is. God meets you right when you ask Him to. This is no lie. When you turn and  place your faith and put all of your trust in Him, He accepts and never forsakes that trust. In Him all things are possible….but, according to His plan. Your plans and His may differ. But you need to start with trust, and hope.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version, ©2011)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

God bless you this day.